Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Reverend Janky Just Got Out Of Jail

When we pulled into the church parking lot , I was slightly agitated. My wife and I were attending a 3:00 program at our friend’s church and we were late. By the time we pulled up in the parking lot it was 3:20 and there was not a parking spot to be found. We ended up having to park across the street at a store. Since it was closed on Sunday’s the store’s owner let the church use it’s lot for overflow parking. My wife had the mirror down on the passenger side getting her lipstick out and making sure she was looking tight. A red Lexus with gold rims drove up and parked alongside of us. The windows were tinted but I could still see the shadow of the driver. His music was blaring so loud that his windows were rattling, and I could make out his head being thrown back as he took a swig out of a pint of some kinda liqueur. As he came down from the deep swig and was wiping his mouth, he turned his head in my direction and gave me a nod. I nodded back at him and turned back to see if my wife was ready. She gave a final okay, closed the mirror and looked at me and smiled..

Don’t be mad baby, you know they never start anything on time!

I just gave her a ‘yeah right’ stare as we both opened our doors to get out. As I stood up I noticed the guy in the Lexus was already out of his car and walking toward the church with a Bible in his hand. He was dressed in a pink pinstriped suit, with black thin lines and a black shirt. Looked like one of them hustlas turned preachers that were so common on the Southside of Houston. As my wife and I passed around his car, I noticed a smell that was quite familiar.

Baby you smell that?

(sniffing) Yeah. somebody’s been smoking some weed.

I glanced down at the personalized license tags on the Lexus as we passed by. Laid out around a perfect chrome plate in platinum frosted letters were the letters RVJANK. I’d heard so much about him, but this was my first time laying eyes on the legendary, Reverend I.B. Janky.

When we walked into the church foyer, I was instantly amazed at the crowd that was gathered in the lobby area just waiting to ENTER the sanctuary. Obviously we weren’t the only late arrivers, which actually is pretty commonplace in black Baptist churches. Most black folks don’t worry about getting to church until before the choir sings or definitely before the pastor gets up to preach. They just want the highlights of the service, they don’t want to get into all that congregational praising, responsive reading, announcements, portions of service. I would even venture to say, that a large portion of churchgoers have never been in Sunday service when it was FIRST starting. They have no idea what it’s like to see one of the deacons get down on his knees and start praying right after the whole congregation sang one of those Old 100’s led by one of the deacons..

I love the Lawd, He huurd my cryyyyyy…

That’s what’s called responsive singing, and after the lead singer would call out the verse, then the entire congregation would repeat it..

IIIII..Luuuuuuvvvvvv…thuuuuhhhh..Laaaaaaawwwdd. Heeeeeee, huuurrrd myyyyyyy cryyyyy.


And so it would go. I have no idea why everything had to be so drawn out, but for some reason this is how it was done. I learned in a history class that this is how slaves learned new songs. Most of them couldn’t read, so the verses would be taught and passed on in an oral tradition such as this. Makes sense when you think about it, hymn books don’t mean a damn thing if you can’t read. But I digress..

There was a wide assortment of folks waiting to get in. Everybody was dressed up and looking tight. One of the top drug dealers in the hood had went to prison and got saved. When he got out of prison, he started his own church, so I guess you could say most of the congregation was full of people who had lived in that ‘world’. Pimps, players, hoz, thieves, jackers, forgers, gamblers, any level of the underground world that you wanted to delve into, they’ve got a member who has done it. I’d heard about this church before, but I avoided it, since it most often turned into some kind of rap awards festival. The young hustlers were running this church and they were working it hard. The congregation had been steadily growing each year and now they were making plans to move into a brand new 50,000 square foot facility. Pretty impressive for a congregation that started with 4 chairs in a garage. It seems the Pastor had put all of his street skills to work for the Lord, and it just so happens that the Pastor was a childhood friend with the aforementioned Reverend I.B. Janky.

As I was observing the ‘Hook Up with a Christian’ bulletin board, which had phone numbers pictures and email addresses of the church’s singles, I couldn’t help but marvel at how some of these ‘church’ folks were dressed for their pictures. I found myself staring at one woman posed a lot like Ice-T’s wife Darlene on his album cover, when my wife and I were approached by the church greeters…

Heyy, how are ya’ll doing??! Welcome to New Jerusalem Sanctified, Saved and Delivered Baptist Church! My name is Sister Juwana and this is Sister Shereta.

Sis. Juwana was a nice looking professional woman. With her soft honey skin and demure demeanor, she would put you in the mind of Halle Berry. Nice, fine and sexy. Sis. Shereta on the other hand was different, she was more thick fine like Beyonce, except a lil darker and a lil thicker. As my wife smiled and shook their hands, I couldn’t help but notice Sis. Shereta staring into my eyes, never taking her eyes off of me. She smiled at my wife and gave her a hug such that her face was over my wife’s shoulder. But all the while she was hugging my wife, she was staring at me and I saw her mouth the words, ‘What’s up?’ and she gave me a suggestive glance down to the crotch of my pants. I had been in the world before, so I knew what was up with that, I felt the devil in this church, cuz he knows how to tempt us with the flesh.

When Sis Shereta came and gave me a hug, she made sure to press her breasts all the way into my chests as she whispered close in my ear…

You need to make sure you holla at me after church.

I figured I was tripping or in some kind of dream world, cuz fine women like THAT don’t often come on to me so strong, in fact, this had NEVER happened to me before, so there were a lot of conflicting emotions going on in my mind. But as I was struggling to maintain my composure, Sis. Shereta went straight to my weak spot, right before she was through embracing me, she ran her tongue lightly over my earlobe and licked me. As she pulled away and looked into my eyes, she gave me a look like ‘Mmm, you taste good.’ I glanced over at my wife, amazed that she hadn’t started tripping, but Sis. Juwana had her so wrapped up and entertained, that she had barely glanced in my direction. It seems Sis. Juwana was one of the most popular girls at my wife’s college, and they had some folks to talk about that they both knew. As I was trying to figure out what was really up with Sis. Shereta, we were bombarded by some vendors.

Breath mints! Get yo breath mints!! Don’t have no fonky breaff in chuhch! Get yo mint on dog!! This is the only ‘blessed’ mint for this congregation. Pastor don’t let nobody chew no gum, cuz too many people be poppin it during service. So even if you have your own mints, since they aren’t ‘blessed in this house’ Pastor say it would be a sin for you to use them. Mint brother?

Game updates! Git yo personal game updates! We’ve got personal pagers that will silently buzz and flash the score and scoring player for every football game. It’s quiet, it don’t buzz and it’s the ONLY sanctioned updater in this church! So all ya’ll football freaks who want to know what your team is doing, holla at me mane! Pastor already knows what’s up, it’s all good!!

Git your official Pastor Anniversary programs right here! Full color magazines with a featured fashion and hair article each week! See what all the divas on the Southside are wearing, see how they’re styling their hair! Be up on where it’s at!!! All for the Lawd!!!

From the looks of their bulging money changers, these vendors were all hittin licks. It seems like they had something for everyone. When we finally weaved our way through the crowd and got up to the next group to go inside the sanctuary, I was approached by a shifty eyed dude. He looked just like Rollo from Sanford and Son, but he had on a uniform that said Usher.

Yeah, dog, whatchu tryin to do?

Trying to do?? My wife and I are going into church!

Okay..what kinda seats you trying to sco?

Huh?

How good of seats do you want?? I can get you in the middle for $10, but I’ve got two on the front row that I can let go for $20 apiece.

$20?? Just to have a place to SIT in church???

Look here dog, (whispering in my ear) I don’t know if anybody has told you or not, but this is Pastor Anniversary Appreciation Sunday. We’ve got some praise dancers from Foxxy’s Strip Club (saved of course) and Reverend Janky is preaching his first sermon since he got out of jail. This ain’t your normal church experience dog, it’s about to be CRUNK in here! You think Shereta and Juwana are fine, boyyyyy,once you see THESE dancers??!! I’m telling ya mane!! (laughing out loud, then composing himself)..So, what’s up, it’s ALL for the Lord ya know??

After I had gotten my $10 change back after giving Rollo a $50, I couldn’t help but smile as we were being led to our seats. As we were passing down the aisle, I notice how plush the carpet felt on my feet, and it was like we were on some fashion runway, so the whole church seemed to be observing us. Just as we were approaching the middle of the aisle, I looked into the pulpit and saw the massive pink clad preacher who had been smoking weed and drinking liquor in the parking lot while jamming in his car. After we had gotten settled in our seats, I browsed through the pulpit. I never knew that they made so many loud colored suits. The pulpit was packed with preachers, all dressed in their canary yellow suits with matching shoes and socks, a few where like Pastor Bird, dressed in all white. Some were dressed in lime green, but the one that stood out from them all was Rev. Janky. All the ministers had their time at the podium, saying a word or two about the Pastor and finally it was time to introduce the keynote speaker. I glanced at my watch, as I always do to keep a gauge on just how long this n’ga was go preach. Baptist churches are known for long church services, but I was hoping that this wasn’t one of those services.

When it was time for Reverend I.B. Janky to get up and speak, he paused and surveyed the crowd like a patient land surveyor.. The church was already in a buzz by the time he stepped to the podium, especially after those praise dancers had delivered that rousing rendition of ‘Shake that thang for the Lawd’ performance. They had the whole church on their feet and clapping their hands. All of the men were smiling from ear to ear with eyes wide open, some even started throwing bills on the ground they liked it so much. Rev. Janky came to the podium smiling and looking out over the congregation. He was a big man, almost 6’0 tall at a hefty 250 lbs. His gold grill glistened and the diamonds earrings sparkled as he wiped his sweating brow and smiled out at the crowd.

Good evenin’.

His greeting was returned with a smattering response. Obviously that wasn’t good enough for Janky, cuz he had to repeat himself.

I said, ‘GOOD EVENIN’’??

Janky was amazed that everyone wasn’t enthused to respond. Obviously most people there knew that Janky didn’t play, so they 2nd response was a lot more lively.

GOOD EVENIN!! The crowd responded. One dude even yelled out, ‘What’s up n’ga??!!’ As everybody were laughing and smiling at the clown’s remark, Janky smiled along with them.

Yes, yes. We’ve came here today in the house of God to celebrate the anniversary of one of my dear friends and fellow servants of the Lawd. God has put a lot of things on my heart to tell ya’ll and the first thing I want to do is be REAL. Is it okay if I get real with ya’ll this evening???

Go head Jank!! Preach that Word Reb’m Janky!!! Let them fools know!!!

Allready! Some of ya’ll say amen or halleluia, Janky says, ‘allready!’ Some of ya’ll already know, Rev. Janky hasn’t been around lately because Rev. Janky has been in jail.

There was a slight pause in the congregation, people started murmering and whispering amongst themselves..Girrrlll, I didn’t know Janky was in jail!! What did that n’ga do THIS time??!!

That’s right, I’ve been in jail. Bu I’m not ashamed, I’m not discouraged, because I know we all must face persecution of some sort. Just like prisoner Paul, we all have to bear our cross for the Lawd. So when them white folks came in with the IRS and DEA and FBI and seized all of my church files and financial papers and put them handcuffs on me, I didn’t cry, because I know that ALL things work toward what? That’s right, all things work toward the GLORY for those who believe. Guess what ya’ll?? They can call Janky an embezzler, or an extortionist or even a racketeer, but guess what they CAN’T say about Janky? Can’t NOBODY say that Janky don’t love Jeezus!! Ya’ll feel me? Can I get an ‘allready’??

ALL-READY!!

The congregation was charged. There was nothing like listening to a man of God bare his soul of transgressions for all to see, and throw his fate at the mercy of the Lawd.

And guess what else? They can lock up my body, but my soul?? My soul has been set free by my Lawd, the risen Savior, can I get an already??!!!

ALL-READY!!

By this time Janky had begun to pace up and down the pulpit, as if he was some sort of caged animal just looking for the opportunity to pounce on its prey. As fascinated as I was with the antics of Rev. Janky, I was even more amazed with the reaction he invoked from the crowd. It seemed that people wanted to be fed by a man who had been saved from the pit of iniquity. Seeing someone who had ‘been through it’ seemed to strengthen and encourage them. Janky was somebody everyone could relate to. Janky was all the way real and no one doubted that God was using him to spread the Word. It also seems that sinners love company, and since Janky had already done it ALL, he could relate to all the other sinners in the church. God can save you, just like He saved Janky!!

Once they ‘opened the doe’s’ of the church and the service came to an end, I knew that this wouldn’t be my last time hearing Rev. Janky preach. Despite all of the game that was going on in New Jerusalem Sanctified, Saved and Delivered Baptist Church, I had thoroughly enjoyed myself because my soul had been fed. Of course my wife probably thinks I just like going there to see the praise dancers shaking that thang, but I know it’s much more than that. There’s some strange things going on at New Jerusalem, and I felt compelled to learn all about them.

As we were leaving the church, Rev. Janky was positioned by the exit door, so that he could shake everyone’s hand before they left.

God bless ya brother, I’m shole glad ya’ll came to worship with us today. Amen sister, gone and give Rev. Janky a hug, you know I NEED a blessing!! Oh Mercy the Lawd has been so good to YOU sister. My, my, my it’s a miracle you could fit all that into that dress, Lawd have mercy!! Make sure you come back next Sunday, ya heah??

As my wife and I were walking out to our car, she looked at me with a smile..

So? How did you like the service?

It was pretty good. Definitely never a dull moment.

Rev. Janky can GO huh?? (smiling)

Yeah, he definitely has skillz.

As we arrived at our car, I couldn’t help but glance over at Janky’s red Lexus still parked there next to us and smile with amusement. Janky had been in jail and was still doing the things that the 5th Ward Boyz claim, ‘Seems to satisfy us all’ and I wasn’t mad at him about it. Little did I know, that this was only the beginning of my relationship with the remarkable Rev. I.B. Janky.